The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
You Might Also Like
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.