if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You Might Also Like
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.