Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
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Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
this is what they would have looked like, though
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie