Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Yup.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!