*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
You Might Also Like
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Me in tagged photos
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.