*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”