Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Wikigenius
Going into Monday like
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.