Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

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[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope


Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.


I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.


I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.


Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.


2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt


*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*


*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.


ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out


“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting