Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?