Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Rich people don’t understand cereal
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If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.![]()
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.