I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Nice try, NASA
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team