Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single