@iAmDelFreaky

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

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@Marlebean

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

@7_Cents

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

@lovemydogduck

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

@YSylon

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

@chuuew

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

@TheAlexNevil

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

@aka_fatman

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

@dance_blessed

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.