Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Are these grass-fed oranges?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??