I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.