ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are