just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
You Might Also Like
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.