Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
…u ok Nintendo?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Childbirth is so beautiful
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house