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The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.