My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.