I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
guys i’ve cracked the code
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
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[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
*updates tinder bio*
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…