A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
my sentiments exactly
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now