ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
You Might Also Like
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.