Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
You Might Also Like
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones