me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.