Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Brb my Sims are getting married
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day