when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
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[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Ghost costume 😂
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Meanwhile in Canada…
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Cheer up.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to