TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
You Might Also Like
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.