Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.