I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*