@QwertyJones3 Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
@velvettusk I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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@QwertyJones3 
@The_MartiniGirl Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
@ozzyunc “After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
@punmagnate Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
@bartandsoul I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
@LindaInDisguise Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
@CraigChamberlin Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
@iwearaonesie 9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
@ristolable It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
@GrowlyGrego Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.