I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

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Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?


“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”


I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it


Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe


Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.


9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?


It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.


Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”


This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.