@velvettusk

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

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@QwertyJones3

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

@ozzyunc

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

@bartandsoul

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

@CraigChamberlin

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

@iwearaonesie

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

@ristolable

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

@GrowlyGrego

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.