Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
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“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Weirdos gonna weird.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
🐕🍷
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma