Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.