Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there