Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
You have been warned.
Best spot.. 😅
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled