Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
forgive me baja for i have blast
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
This is what makes twitter great
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless