Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Gemma Correll
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.