3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.