Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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felt that
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
(True)
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock