Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.