My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
FINE, I WON’T.