You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I’m putting together a team
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
just got my engagement photos
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
#titanic
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
When you “pspspsp” too hard