My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
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I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.