I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
You Might Also Like
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.