@TheToddWilliams “I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
@CornOnTheGoblin [Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
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@TheToddWilliams 
@ericsshadow 20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
@BlondAmbitionTO “Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
@Kyle_Lippert “Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
@jonnysun whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
@rachelle_mandik do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
@Mardigroan Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
@Cheeseboy22 Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
@FrazzleMyGimp [Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.