Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
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80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Home #decor warning.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”