Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
How funny!
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Something Saturday.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.