To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
This 4th of July, please remember…
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?