Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
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The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I know this now 😂
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.