Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
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Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.