Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
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Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”