Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
greetings!
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry