A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
congratulations to them
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out