A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
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*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
termite twitter scares me
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People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for