I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Do not levitate over flowers
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.