I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.